What does Glennon say.. “Life is beautiful, and it is brutal. Life is brutiful.”
Every once in awhile I get a glimpse of the beautiful part of life and it makes me forget for a second about the brutal part. The brutal always comes back, is it that one second of beautiful that we live for? That one second where I forget my Dad is gone, that my son is leaving for college, that my cousin’s husband has months – maybe weeks to live, that my family is estranged, broken, brutal…and by the way, it’s mostly my fault, at least that’s what they tell me.
Sisters, I’d like to introduce you to my mother, Judy. I found out today on top of the other things that life has decided to throw at me that she’s been stalking this page. This Fatherless Daughters page, MY page, my outlet, my guts spilled out for everyone to read – and she didn’t like the post on March 11th, 2018. At least that’s what she said to me this morning when I asked why no one bothered to tell me that my sister was in the hospital having contractions yesterday. But that’s not important, let’s talk about how Judy’s feelings were hurt because I said being around her makes me “sick to my stomach” and that I’m “embarrassed to be related to her at times.”
(Everyone wave HI at Judy – she’s having her moment here today.)
What I said on March 11th was true. I am embarrassed sometimes to be related to her, but it’s mostly when she does crazy shit like her mother used to. March 11th was about a death certificate, my Dad’s mothers’ death certificate. She wanted it, and knew my cousin had it – or at least she hoped she did. It was about money – oh, she split it with the people she decided to split it with – but the bottom line is – it was sneaky shit. That’s Betty Dunham shit, the person Judy swore she would never become.
I created this page and this community to prove to myself that I wasn’t the only person suffering the loss of their Dad. While Judy, and my sisters have moved on – and that’s fine, everyone grieves differently, I understand that – but they won’t give me that same consideration.
This is my space, I am completely honest here. If you wanted to know what was going on with me it would have been a lot easier to sit down and talk instead of judging behind your fake profile or your late night stalking sessions. How about showing up when I was in the hospital in 2012? Ten minutes away from your house – where were you then? How about bringing a meal over like you promised you would when I had knee surgery and couldn’t do anything for 6 weeks – where were you then Jude?
And you want to judge me, well that’s funny. At least I’m honest. There are some days I can feel my heart breaking because Dad isn’t here. There are other days that I smile because I saw a hummingbird, or heard a song, or read about the Packers starting practice.
But I’m not going to let any of you blame this family separation drama on me. If you really wanted to know what was going on you could just ask. I’m not this horrible monster you or Marcia or Ashley make me out to be. I just won’t tolerate any bullshit anymore from any of you. I know it’s hard for you to accept because my bullshit tolerance was so very high for so very long.
So Judy, stick around Fatherless Daughters if you want. I’m going to continue to speak my truth, and sometimes that truth might involve you. If you don’t like it, well, don’t read it. Just so we’re clear, I’m not going to cave or lie to make you feel like a better person.